Woofer's Guide To Social Media (or how not to do Twitter)

I got an email the other day telling me that basically I don't have a clue how to properly use social media. Apparently the fact that I'm having fun is the first indication that I just don't have this thing right. Kind of put me in a tailspin.

So I got up from the computer, made a cup of coffee, swallowed a handful of anti-depressants (woofers don't take criticism well), and decided I needed to do a full out in depth analysis of my social media skills. I came up with this really neat list of things I seem to be doing wrong:

1. I actually talk to people. Real people. People who, just like me, apparently aren't doing this thing right.
2. I don't post floods of inspirational messages all day long to keep my fellow social media types motivated to make it through their long intense day. I have been told I can make up for this by quoting several bible verses over and over. Guess I shouldn't have sold my bible on eBay.
3. I do not follow two or three hundred life coaches. Apparently my life sucks, theirs is better and I should be listening to them.
4. My teeth aren't white enough. I'm led to believe that tweeting properly will give you white teeth, guarantee you wealth, and a life filled with bliss and ecstasy. My bad.......
5. I don't follow everyone who follows me. This, I'm told, is bad Twitter etiquette and your Twitter status is set by the number of followers you have. Silly me.......I also believed it when I was told that "Size does not matter."

Well, I like to talk. Anyone who knows me even a little knows I never shut up. It's one of my more endearing qualities. I have never inspired another human being to greater heights. If my life sucks really bad I haven't caught on yet. If my teeth are brown and nasty it's not my problem. I don't look at them all day.

I currently follow a little more than 600 people. I am presently being followed by about 70o, and that's only because I haven't done my weekly blocking. I save that for Sunday mornings. I find blocking to be a spiritually cleansing part of my week.

What am I supposed to do when I get this:

• Bio: Instigation and support of self and lifestyle improvement through effective daily personal growth & development, and financial freedom.

This "person" has 16,814 people he's following. He has 15,285 followers. He's on 96 lists. He's tweeted 16,785 times and never once to another person. He is the epitome (like that word?) of true Twitter status. I should model myself more after him..........

But I'm not gonna do it. I like what I do. I'm not gonna play games all day on Facebook. I'm not gonna send hearts and bears and flowers to hundreds of people a day. I'm not gonna scream my political opinions from the highest nest in Twitter. I may have this whole thing wrong, but I kind of like being wrong.

I am Woofer. Hear me roar!