The Woofer Guide To General Contractors (be very afraid)

I have been self-employed since 1986. To some people this is a major accomplishment. They have worked hard, learned their trade or business, put together a business plan to build a successful business. Notice the word plan.

For me, self-employment was not a plan, it was a necessity. I used to get fired. I used to get fired a lot. I went into business because I was deemed by the community at large as being totally unemployable, morally reprehensible, and probably on the verge of being brain dead. None of this looks good on your resume.

I had been a carpenter for years, with a few segues into some very interesting fields of endeavor that I was totally unqualified for. At times I have been: A loan collector for a finance company, a commercial lending officer for a bank, and a restaurant manager. I have learned over the years that if you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit. Works every time. Except I got fired a lot. I may hold a record for being fired.

So having an extensive carpentry background, I decided to embark on a career as a General Contractor. After all, I had passed the most rigorous tests a carpenter could face. I could drink two quarts of Bud at 7:00 a.m., indulge in a little herbal recreation before lunch, and still almost figure out what was on a blueprint. Close counts, right?

So I got me some business cards, threw an ad in the local paper, did an inventory of my rather meager tool collection and bank account and figured I was ready to take the world by storm. I didn't consider that the fact that I knew nothing about estimating, pricing or contracts might be a liability.

I learned early on that a General Contractor needs one major talent. You must have the ability to convince the homeowner that no matter how badly you're screwing up, you're right, their wrong, give me the check.

In the state of New Jersey you only need three things to get a General Contractor's license: Liability insurance, which they will give to any fool with money, $99.00 for the license, and a hammer. The hammer might be optional. You don't need to prove experience. If you can draw a house on construction paper with a crayon you have just qualified.

So the next time you need a General Contractor, think about this. You might just want to invest the time in watching reruns of "This Old House" and do it yourself.