The Woofer Guide To General Contractors (be very afraid)

I have been self-employed since 1986. To some people this is a major accomplishment. They have worked hard, learned their trade or business, put together a business plan to build a successful business. Notice the word plan.

For me, self-employment was not a plan, it was a necessity. I used to get fired. I used to get fired a lot. I went into business because I was deemed by the community at large as being totally unemployable, morally reprehensible, and probably on the verge of being brain dead. None of this looks good on your resume.

I had been a carpenter for years, with a few segues into some very interesting fields of endeavor that I was totally unqualified for. At times I have been: A loan collector for a finance company, a commercial lending officer for a bank, and a restaurant manager. I have learned over the years that if you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit. Works every time. Except I got fired a lot. I may hold a record for being fired.

So having an extensive carpentry background, I decided to embark on a career as a General Contractor. After all, I had passed the most rigorous tests a carpenter could face. I could drink two quarts of Bud at 7:00 a.m., indulge in a little herbal recreation before lunch, and still almost figure out what was on a blueprint. Close counts, right?

So I got me some business cards, threw an ad in the local paper, did an inventory of my rather meager tool collection and bank account and figured I was ready to take the world by storm. I didn't consider that the fact that I knew nothing about estimating, pricing or contracts might be a liability.

I learned early on that a General Contractor needs one major talent. You must have the ability to convince the homeowner that no matter how badly you're screwing up, you're right, their wrong, give me the check.

In the state of New Jersey you only need three things to get a General Contractor's license: Liability insurance, which they will give to any fool with money, $99.00 for the license, and a hammer. The hammer might be optional. You don't need to prove experience. If you can draw a house on construction paper with a crayon you have just qualified.

So the next time you need a General Contractor, think about this. You might just want to invest the time in watching reruns of "This Old House" and do it yourself.

Woofer's Guide To Social Media (or how not to do Twitter)

I got an email the other day telling me that basically I don't have a clue how to properly use social media. Apparently the fact that I'm having fun is the first indication that I just don't have this thing right. Kind of put me in a tailspin.

So I got up from the computer, made a cup of coffee, swallowed a handful of anti-depressants (woofers don't take criticism well), and decided I needed to do a full out in depth analysis of my social media skills. I came up with this really neat list of things I seem to be doing wrong:

1. I actually talk to people. Real people. People who, just like me, apparently aren't doing this thing right.
2. I don't post floods of inspirational messages all day long to keep my fellow social media types motivated to make it through their long intense day. I have been told I can make up for this by quoting several bible verses over and over. Guess I shouldn't have sold my bible on eBay.
3. I do not follow two or three hundred life coaches. Apparently my life sucks, theirs is better and I should be listening to them.
4. My teeth aren't white enough. I'm led to believe that tweeting properly will give you white teeth, guarantee you wealth, and a life filled with bliss and ecstasy. My bad.......
5. I don't follow everyone who follows me. This, I'm told, is bad Twitter etiquette and your Twitter status is set by the number of followers you have. Silly me.......I also believed it when I was told that "Size does not matter."

Well, I like to talk. Anyone who knows me even a little knows I never shut up. It's one of my more endearing qualities. I have never inspired another human being to greater heights. If my life sucks really bad I haven't caught on yet. If my teeth are brown and nasty it's not my problem. I don't look at them all day.

I currently follow a little more than 600 people. I am presently being followed by about 70o, and that's only because I haven't done my weekly blocking. I save that for Sunday mornings. I find blocking to be a spiritually cleansing part of my week.

What am I supposed to do when I get this:

• Bio: Instigation and support of self and lifestyle improvement through effective daily personal growth & development, and financial freedom.

This "person" has 16,814 people he's following. He has 15,285 followers. He's on 96 lists. He's tweeted 16,785 times and never once to another person. He is the epitome (like that word?) of true Twitter status. I should model myself more after him..........

But I'm not gonna do it. I like what I do. I'm not gonna play games all day on Facebook. I'm not gonna send hearts and bears and flowers to hundreds of people a day. I'm not gonna scream my political opinions from the highest nest in Twitter. I may have this whole thing wrong, but I kind of like being wrong.

I am Woofer. Hear me roar!

A Woofer Exercise In Futility

I've been told I should write. My daughter says I should write. Mrs. Woofer says I should write. So I have taken the time to find this site and prove once and for all that I have no talent whatsoever for writing.

Let's see here........oh, yeah, my qualifications. Hang on folks, I'm about to wow you with my estimable qualifications to write a blog. Hmmmm......no MBA from the Wharton School of Business, not a highly trained educator, haven't really achieved notoriety for my marketing skills, and my grooming habits leave something to be desired..............

I'm a male of the species with a cat avatar who calls himself Woofer. That should get people flocking to this blog and folks clammering at my door to advertise here. I may set a record for being the most unfollowed person on Twitter. I am the poster child for what not to do to be successful in social media.

Still here? There are important people out there posting important stuff. Instead of being here, you could be educating yourself on the hot topics of the day: How well endowed is Tiger? Will Octomom have more kids? What did Jon and Kate have for breakfast? And the most burning question of all: Will Woofer get his own reality show?

Get out there folks. Learn the important things that will improve the quality of not only your life but those around you.

Personally, I'm gonna head back to Twitter right now and irritate the hell out of a bunch of people.......hope your day doesn't suck too bad!