Okay, not really. Got your attention though, didn't it?
Okay, I got cojones. Not little ones either. Great big, obnoxious cojones. After better than 20 years away from music I'm once again attempting to tackle the big scary world of music. Have I mentioned yet that neurosis and mental illness gallop through my family?
For the better part of my early life music was my all. My Tao if you will (or even if you won't. This is my blog and I can pretty much say what I want). Like many I started out as a wee one in church choir. Got lots of solos, lots of praise. Beginnings of massive ego problems and I wasn't even 6 yet. Took piano lessons: quit. Took violin lessons: quit. Played baritone horn in the high school band: quit in 8th grade. All I ever wanted to do was play guitar.
Since I had such a reliable record of sticking with things my mom was hesitant to spring for the money for a guitar. She figured I was only gonna quit anyway so why bother. So my grandparents got me one for a present. It was the deluxe Sears model, probably cost about $9.95 then. You pretty much needed vise grips to get the strings down anywhere near close to the fingerboard. But it was a guitar and it was love at first sight. I actually took lessons, practiced and stuck with it. Mama never did quite come out of her state of shock.
Fast forward a few years to 7th grade. Two elementary schools merged into one high school. The really cool kids came from Cape May. I was not one of the really cool kids. I managed to be the very first kid in my class to develop zits. I grew up on a farm and worked every day. I did not hang out at the beach, have a surfboard or know all the really cool slang expressions. And everything then was about cool. I had glasses, zits and looked like a homegrown nerd.
The British Invasion was just getting off the ground. Motown was at its peak. High school dances were the place to be. A group of the cool kids decided to form a band. They had a guy picked out to play lead guitar. Problem: he was the epitome of cool but he did not know how to play guitar. So they asked me if I would teach him how to play. I tried........it almost even worked.
Then they noticed that I not only had a guitar, but I had an amp too. They had guitars but no amps. Reluctantly they asked me to join the band. And I could even sing. I still wasn't cool, but at least I got to hang out with the upper echelons of high school society.
The biggest lesson I learned in high school was if you couldn't dance you couldn't get a date. Did I mention that not only couldn't I dance but I looked like someone who had been Tasered three or four times. Hiding behind the guitar on stage meant I didn't even have to attempt the kind of moves you were supposed to make when singing a Temptations or Four Tops song.
But I became a part of something. I learned and I built some confidence. Hard as it may be to believe I was the shy kid in high school. I've been called an egomaniac with an inferiority complex and at the time the two kind of canceled each other out. I guess I've changed. Today some have compared me to Fred Flintstone on meth. But that's a whole other blog.
I played in clubs and other venues through most of my 20's, first in bands and then as a solo act. I got a chance to work with some great musicians and was part of a great musical community. Little by little I found that my musical tastes and song choices were vastly different from the other musicians I had worked with that's pretty much how I wound up as a solo act. Nobody else really wanted to play the stuff I was doing. Fortunately there were enough people around at that time that wanted to listen to it so I at least made some money at it. There is also the added benefits of a solo act: When you call a rehearsal everyone shows up on time. And nobody argues about the material. The downside of a solo act: When you have a bad night you don't have anyone else up there to blame.
So after years of watching people drop off of bar stools at 2 a.m. I called it quits. I couldn't find people who wanted to work with me and I had a very young daughter whose life I was missing out on. I figured I'd sit it out for a while and play a few songs at home and maybe do a little writing.
And for decades I did nothing. I didn't write any songs. I didn't even learn any new ones. I'd pick up a guitar once a month, play half a song and then put it back down again. I lost contact with anything vaguely resembling a musical community. And in the process a large part of who I am died. Slowly and without fanfare.
About 6 months ago economic necessity kicked in. Construction had totally died and there wasn't any real work to be found anywhere. So I folded my construction company and sat down and looked at my options. We sell online, but that hasn't exactly been putting us in the Bill Gates income range. In fact, it was getting me slightly above Bill The Town Drunk's range of income. I figured I'd go out and do a couple of open mic nights at some of the local clubs and see if I still had the ability to get up on stage and put a song across to an audience. The first few nights were rough but I got enough positive feedback to keep going. I started to rehearse again, The feelings started to come back.
My biggest fear was that I was too old to start over again. That the music I do is irrelevant and obsolete. That the years I had let it go would keep me from getting any better. I remembered a story my mother told me. She was a Registered Nurse and was debating going back to school to get a degree. She told a friend of hers that she was afraid to go back to college because she would be 54 years old when she graduated. The friend asked her a simple question, "And how old will you be if you don't go to college?" Point taken........
So here I am. I have the support of my wife who has always been my biggest fan. She tells me the truth but keeps me moving forward. I have met new people in the local music community that have helped support me and build my confidence. And I have a host of online friends that I have made over the years who have been a backbone of love and support and I thank them.
I'm a realist. I will never be a rock star. I will never become a millionaire through music. But those aren't my goals today. Today I just want to play a little music that people will enjoy. And have the opportunity to spend time with people who love music as much as I do.
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